COME AWAY WITH ME
By Angelina Vansen (angelina@gunmetaldark.com)

RATING: NC-17
CODES: J/C
SUMMARY: Set in a completely alternate universe where Janeway did not destroy the Caretaker's array, but instead chose to stay and repair it so the crew could go home. This was originally intended to be written for the Truly Twisted contest's Maquis Rebellion category, but it got kind of epic and then wasn't finished in time.


1. Kathryn Cannot Sleep

It's 3am, and she's awake. Worrying mostly, about the future. About what lies beyond the future. In three weeks' time, the future will be a reality again, along with the Alpha Quadrant, Starfleet, Mark.

Everything she hasn't been thinking about this past year.

It's been easy. Out here, she IS Starfleet. For the past year, she's been pretty much operating on her own. Only the twice-weekly communications she's been getting through the Array have reminded her that she's part of something much larger than Voyager.

It's been easy to forget. Perhaps a little too easy. She's lost count of the regulations she's begun to bend.

Not least the one sleeping beside her right this moment. For Christ's sake, this man's the very reason she was sent out here. He's a criminal, a traitor to the uniform, to everything she's supposed to stand for.

It's a little disturbing how easily she fell into bed with him.

He stirs against her, pressed close the way he loves to be. Muttering occasionally in his sleep.

There's not going to be an easy way to explain this one. Not to Starfleet, not to her crew. Certainly not to Mark. At the very least, it's going to post a huge great question mark over Kathryn Janeway.

Such a promising career. Such an impressive first command. Such a waste. She can see herself behind a desk for the rest of her working life.

She can't see Mark forgiving her. He won't take her back, not like this. Soiled by the Maquis terrorist she was supposed to be holding prisoner.

She watches Chakotay's peaceful face, sleeping in the starlight. He'll go to prison, no matter how cooperative he and his people have been. Relations with the Cardassians have only gotten worse since they've been stuck here.

She can't bear that thought, the same way she could never stand the thought of Justin in their hands. She knew first hand what would happen to him.

This beautiful creature ... she can't let that happen. Won't. She tightens her arms around him and holds him close.

Lies awake until the alarm goes off.


2. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He rolls onto his side, watching her as she gets ready in the dark, being careful not to wake him.

He loves the shape of her, her dinkyness, her womanliness, her little round belly and flat behind, her shapely pink legs. He can't put into words how much he adores her.

Just watching her step into her Starfleet-issue panties brings a smile to his face.

He watches her dress, careful with the uniform she loves. The uniform he isn't sure if he can even trust. Somehow though, lying in her bed, those things don't matter. They're half a galaxy away.

She puts up her hair, twisting it expertly into that knot of winter fire, fixing it with the hundred little pins he finds every day in his pillows and sheets, in the carpet of his quarters.

She turns to him, sees him awake and fixes him with a goofy grin that makes his stomach flip.

"See you for lunch?" she asks, her voice early-morning husky.

"Holodeck two," he confirms.

She kisses him goodbye, a lingering kiss that gives him a powerful erection.

"Try to avoid Cavit this time," she says with more than a hint of mischief.

He watches her hips swaying as she leaves.


3. Kathryn Isn't Well

It's 9am, and she's vomiting. Not badly, but the first time she's gone further than nausea. She feels tired and wretched, and she's only eight weeks into this pregnancy.

Chakotay doesn't know. No one knows. She's putting up with the morning sickness and the heavy, bloated feeling because her doctor's dead and she turned sickbay over to Jones, the Maquis medic. She's not sure what would happen if she went to him.

She gathers herself together and straightens her hair in the mirror over the sink. Her eyes look shrunken and shrill. What is she going to do?

If Tuvok were here, if he'd survived, she would have confided in him. She knew from his reports that he'd respected Chakotay, thought him a decent man underneath the crazed desire to avenge his homeworld. He'd been an exemplary Starfleet officer.

What her old friend would have made of this affair she didn't know. Would he have thought her judgment was impaired by lust? Would he have decided that Chakotay was manipulating her somehow, trying to gain favour for his people once they reached the Alpha Quadrant?

Or would he have seen it the way that she did, as something outside all of that, something unshakeable and fundamental, something that was just meant to be?

This baby, it seemed, was proof of that. Both she and Chakotay had used the most sophisticated contraception available, and yet here it was. Living proof of their affair, something that couldn't just be hidden away and forgotten about when they got home.

This baby is what will destroy her in the Alpha Quadrant.

She drinks some water and goes back to her desk to wait for her communication from Starfleet.

It is Admiral Basil. Right on time, almost to the second. He greets Kathryn with the usual pleasantries, asking about the crew, the ship, the repairs to the array.

"They're coming well," she tells him. "We're still on target for three weeks."

"Excellent," he says. "No more Kazon raids?"

"Not this week," she says grimly. It hasn't been easy defending the Array.

His face changes then. Even through the static of the long-distance transmission, she can see that this is going to be sensitive. "Kathryn," he starts, "I have to ask you about the status of the Maquis."

She has to stop herself from reacting. "Starfleet knows the status of the Maquis," she says, angrier than she intends. "They've been cooperating with us. Helping us. We've been working almost as one crew."

"How closely?" he asks.

"Intimately," she tells him. Then she regrets her choice of words. "Look, we lost our Chief Engineer. Our doctor. Our operations officer."

"I see," he says with a frown. "Chakotay's people are working in those positions?"

"We didn't have a choice. A third of my crew are dead, Admiral. As I already told Starfleet."

"Starfleet understands, Kathryn. No one's suggesting you've done anything wrong. We just have to assess any possible security risks."

"We didn't have a choice," she says again. Convincing him. Trying to convince herself. She's had enough doubts about this from Cavit.

"I know," Basil stresses.

She's being too obvious. She knows that.

"Kathryn," he says. "Listen to me. Starfleet will recognise and take into consideration the Maquis cooperation. You know that. But you also know what these people are. They're criminals, and before you got stuck out there, they were doing their level best to ignite a war. You were sent out there to capture them, and as far as I'm concerned, you've done just that. When you return, the Maquis will be taken into custody and tried."

She swallows, trying to look neutral. "Of course," she manages eventually.

She knew this would happen. She did. She's thought of little else for months. But there's something else now, such a finality about hearing it from the mouth of Starfleet itself.

Basil talks some more, but it's all routine, and she barely hears. All she hears is the blood in her ears, all she feels is the sickness, building once again.

When she's gone, she sits by the toilet, but doesn't throw up. She's just too numb.

All she thinks of is Chakotay. Chakotay, taken away. Given to the Cardassians. In a dark cell screaming, screaming. Hurt. Chakotay, dying.

Then the vomit does come, but this time it's got nothing to do with the baby.


4. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He sits on a rock and watches her jump into the water. Sun on her skin, hair wet, a perfect swallow dive.

Her face comes up triumphant, a gasp of the air as she surfaces, a small cry of excitement. He smiles to himself, a private smile, a smile of satisfaction. She's swimming over to him, and it's the smile of a man about to make love.

She's a little bit tense. He can tell by the sweet crease between her brows and by the intensity of her kisses. She's been worried again, probably about going home. About what will happen once they get home.

Chakotay doesn't care.

All he wants is Kathryn, here on this sun baked rock, her skin wet like oil beneath his big hands and her breath panting into his mouth. He's so hard, pressing rhythmically against her wet bathing suit. Moving his mouth down and closing it over her nipple. Sucking saltwater from her bikini like milk.

"I love you," she tells him, with serious eyes.

He wants to be inside her. Makes her naked, or near enough. Nuzzles for entry and moans in pleasure as he completes their joining. Deep inside her, so deep. Skin against skin. Her wrapped around him, so deep, so intense.

Lazy, endless kissing. Wrapped in her. Moving inside her, wanting to come in that way that is beyond coming. The way he comes when he is with her.

Shallow strokes, caught and then rubbed and then held by her. Close, with tight balls. Grabbing her backside as the semen races up his shaft, unstoppable. Uncontrollable.

The sun in his eyes as he comes, the scent of salt, the scent of Kathryn. Her wet mouth, her wet tongue. Wet and deep and thrusting as he comes.

He apologises for his rapid climax and she smiles that amused little half-smile, helping him on his journey downward to her sex. He suckles at her clit, nose pressed deep into her hair.

It doesn't take long, he's good at this when he's with her. She responds so well.

He lifts up to watch her face, and it's a picture. She looks like she's concentrating hard, hands clenched into little fists by her sides, a flush rising from her chest to her face.

Afterwards, she pulls him into the water to wash off and they cuddle, waist deep and naked.

"I've called a meeting," she says, looking up at him, resting her chin on his chest. "1400 hours. I'd like you to be there."

He nods, stroking along the curve of her back. Kissing the top of her head.

She smiles gently, and then pulls herself out of his arms. "I should get going," she says, clambering back onto the rock and then calling for the arch.

He dresses with her on the bare floor of the holodeck, and waits ten minutes after she has left, so they aren't seen together.


5. Kathryn Cannot Decide

It's 2pm, and she hasn't started the meeting. She's sitting in her Ready Room, looking at her empty coffee cup. She could have told him, today on the holodeck. She intended to.

The words "I'm pregnant" sat in her mouth the whole time.

Something keeps stopping her. Some nagging doubts. Not about Chakotay, she never doubts his feelings. But somehow, she doubts he understands.

In three weeks, their relationship is over. In three weeks, he's going to prison, probably a Cardassian one. She doesn't think she has a fraction of the influence she needs to stop that from happening.

Her hands tighten on the cup, thinking about that.

Thinking about Justin, and herself. Herself, face down, the big Cardassian fucking her, feeling like he was ripping her insides out. Face in those stinking blankets, biting them to stop herself from squealing.

Justin afterwards, holding her in the middle of the night after she'd woken up sweating and screaming. Justin, telling her what they had done to him.

She slams that thought down. No. She won't let that happen to Chakotay. Right now, he's not with Starfleet. Right now, she IS Starfleet. She has the last word.

But he won't abandon the other Maquis, she knows that. Not even for her, for the baby. He's not thinking straight right now, he'll say he'd rather go to prison, even on Cardassia.

He'll say they can be together when he's out.

She thinks of that, too. Of going home to Indiana, leaving Mark, going home to her mother pregnant with Chakotay's child. Waiting for him, but knowing that he won't survive. Knowing if he does, he'll be a different man.

Thinking of him every night in her bed at home. Somehow, when she thinks like that, nothing fits.

This is why she hasn't told him, why she can't get the words past her lips. Once she does that, this gets set in motion. She'll be exposed. She's not ready for that yet. There has to be an answer. There has to be a way to stop this from happening.

Out here, she still has control. She will find the way.

She puts down the coffee cup and straightens her uniform, ready to go to her briefing and talk about nothing at all.


6. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

They're in his quarters, and he's glad he doesn't have to keep it down tonight. Even the threat of Cavit hearing them wouldn't have been enough.

It's just so damn exciting. Hard and fast, Kathryn on top, her skin tasting of her sweat, the room smelling of her sex. Her mouth open, her weight on her hands on his chest.

He can see them in the mirror above the dresser, see her bouncing up and down on his big hard cock. It's explicit, it's electrifying. He lifts up to bite her and spread her buttocks apart and watch himself nailing her.

She's getting close now, she's clawing his back and the breath is hissing between her teeth. She's crying out, too, rather too loudly, but it doesn't matter here.

He doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything but the blood screaming in his veins, about the sound of her breathing, about making her come.

He swallows her cries as she goes over the edge, holding her tight to feel her shuddering and shuddering. Listening to her panting as she melts in surfeit against him.

He can't hold it any more. He lets it go and shoots himself up onto her, shouting out the sheer joy of it. Clinging to her, wrapping her in his arms, hard.

Afterwards, he lies beside her, stroking her, enjoying the feel of her damp skin beneath his fingertips.

"Love you," he mouths against her belly. It isn't enough. The words aren't.

"Me too," she says absently, stroking his hair.

He lifts, propping his chin up on her stomach to look at her. "Will you stay tonight?" he asks. Hopeful.

"Yes," she sighs. "But I have work to do."

"Sure," he says. It's still early. She pretty much came straight off shift and fell into his bed. "I'll cook if you like."

She smiles. "I'd like that."

"Later," he tells her. "Sleep first, then we'll worry about food and work."

He clambers up the bed and pulls her against him, spooning with her. Falling asleep to the scent of her hair.


7. Kathryn Takes A Step

It's 9pm, and she's thinking about Earth. About home, about the house where she grew up. About storms, huge in the sky. Rolling over the fields in her home town, the noise of a dragon, the colour of a nightmare. Thrilling her because it was so big, so uncontrollable.

She has missed the sky, out here in space every night and day for a year. It's hard to remember how it once felt to have light and dark with regularity.

She's trying to think of it now, trying to remember. Perfect sunshine, too, a sky that perfect shade of blue. No other planet she's ever been to has that shade. Only Earth. Only home.

Home ....

She's trying to make herself see the enormity of what she's about to do.

Chakotay's asleep still, dead to the world. He cooked, they've eaten, loved again and now she has to do her work. Only it's not easy with these thoughts haunting her. Thoughts of home.

She's been sitting on his couch for twenty minutes with a tricorder in her hand. She wants to scan the baby, make sure that everything's all right.

Also, though, being pregnant has been nothing more than an abstract for her. She doesn't seem to understand that she's going to become a mother. Maybe if she sees the baby. Maybe if she knows the sex ...

Part of her just wants to make it real.

She flips it open, scans herself. Looks at the readout. There it is. A human foetus, eight weeks along. Male as well. Chakotay's son.

Her breath sounds harsh, she feels light-headed. She feels a little sick. Her heart hammers in her chest. Now her thoughts of home are even bigger: she thinks of birds singing, crickets buzzing, her dog barking in the garden out back.

She thinks of the child in the garden, being there, being home with him. The sun on his face as he looks out across the fields on fire in the sunset.

How much her mother would love him. She'd always wanted Kathryn to have a child.

She can see Chakotay on the bed, asleep on his stomach, a pillow curled in his arms. She tries to picture the way the child will look. How beautiful he will be with those intense Indian features.

"I love you," she whispers across the silent room. Much too quiet to wake him up.

She has to do this.

She knows she does. The things she thinks are just abstractions, just memories. They are exaggerated, overblown by a year away. What's real is Chakotay, loving Chakotay. Giving Chakotay a son in seven months' time. Having him with her.

She accesses his computer interface. She already knows his codes, she is given the security codes of all the Maquis on a weekly basis.

She swallows the lump in her throat, and inputs the message.

Have information that Janeway is selling us out.

She writes.

Monitored messages from Starfleet. Handing us to the Cardassian government as soon as we return.

She writes.

Will need to take steps. Find out who's with us, but keep this need-to-know.

Chakotay.

She signs. Encrypts. Sends.

Sits for a long moment, looking at the screen, thinking about home. Thinking about Mark, too, his kind eyes and soft hands.

Then she opens the tricorder again and takes another look at the baby growing inside her. Chakotay, lying on the bed. Picturing him, staying by her side for the rest of her life. Doing whatever he could. She knows he would.

She loves this man, she's having his child, and she wants to be with him. Kathryn Janeway does not step back.


8. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He wakes as she comes back to bed, her work finished. He tries to struggle back to consciousness so that he can make love to her again, but he can't.

It doesn't matter. It's enough to hug her in this warm soft bed that smells of Starfleet, just like her.


9. Kathryn Works It Out

It's 10am, and she hasn't been working. The morning sickness isn't so bad today.

Instead, she's been working on her own project.

Editing her last transmission from Starfleet, changing some of her own responses to what Admiral Basil said. Not much, not enough to be obvious, but enough to give the wrong impression. Making herself sound a little more compliant.

She is encrypting it, sending it to the Maquis. Showing them just what Starfleet intend to do with them when they return. Showing them that all their cooperation and spirit of alliance have been for nothing.

They might as well have been locked up in the Brig.

She's doing it under Chakotay's code, using one of his ciphers, the ones he doesn't know she's broken. The ones he uses to reassure his crew everything will be all right, that Janeway's on their side. Won't they be surprised he got it wrong.

Well, after Tuvok and Seska, maybe they won't be surprised.

She tells them to reply. To use the same cipher, not to speak to Chakotay directly. He's worried he's being watched. He doesn't know who he can trust right now.

She watches her own transmission back, not liking the look of her own face. Dark circles underneath her eyes, the grey shade of nausea.

But it looks right. She looks bad, like a traitoress, like a woman who promised everyone freedom while planning to stab them in the back.

She bites down on her lip, hard enough to leave a little lump of bruise, as she sends it. She has to be strong. She has to do this.

Her mind thinks of the baby, his arms and legs moving. Her mind conjures up the mental image she holds of her son, Chakotay's son. She's doing this for him.


10. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He meets her on the holodeck as usual, and this time, she's sitting in a busy public park.

He smiles at her as he sits down next to her on the bench, helplessly. He never understands how much he's missed her till he sees her.

"What's all this?" he asks her about the program. Normally she prefers something a little more secluded.

She shrugs, looking a little embarrassed. "Don't know," she says. "I felt like being with you in a crowd."

He squints a little, not quite getting it.

She gets up from the bench and takes hold of his hand, threading her fingers through his, holding her palm clasped small against his palm. She walks with him along the path, past the trees, towards the lake. All the time they pass people, humans. Some of them say good morning.

He knows what she means. It's such a thrill, to be so normal with the woman that he loves. Holding her hand, being watched as he holds her hand, being watched as he looks at her with all the love he knows how to express.

Stopping by a big oak tree to kiss her, her lips soft and yielding as he parts them with his own to taste her tongue.

People hearing him murmur her name, her given name, as she wraps him in her arms and presses him close, her breath warm on his skin. She pulls him backwards into a little clearing where she's left a blanket for them.

She strips herself, wriggling out of her clothes like an eager teen about to go skinnydipping. She's giggling a little as she comes to him, all long hair and soft thighs and sloppy kisses. Beautiful.

Soft breasts bouncing a little, dark pink nipples that he grabs and squeezes and pinches hard. Squeezes them between his lips and between his teeth, one at a time. People walking past them, just meters away.

He rolls her underneath him on the blanket and presses her thighs apart with his thighs. Pushes inside her, cries her name.

She touches herself for him, eyes on his. Rubbing her clitoris with sure fingers, tensing and relaxing. Coming in his arms with a sweet little oh of pleasure. Then, squeezed by her orgasm, he comes himself, letting it rise, letting it build, letting it take him over. The people walking near them ignore them.

As they lie spooned and kissing on the blanket in the artificial breeze, he gets a call from engineering, from B'Elanna. He has to go. He kisses Kathryn long and soft and tells her how he feels. She trails wet lips over his cheek and nods sleepily. Loving him.

He thinks of loving her all the way to engineering. All day after that, as well.


11. Kathryn Faces The Enemy

It's 7pm, and she is waiting for the Maquis. Sweaty palms, but they don't show because she looks like Chakotay. She is sitting in the dark in this communal program of the bar the crew run a lot. Drinking that sweet minty drink Chakotay likes so much. Doing his mannerisms.

Earlier today, Chakotay had a message. On the same encrypted channel, short and text only.

From the Maquis, from the ones he keeps advised. The hotheads. She really isn't sure which ones they are. She supposes that she'll find out soon enough.

There is enough of us.

The message said.

We can do it.

It sent chills through her. The finality of it. They were ready. They'd probably been ready since the day they were stranded. They just needed guidance, her guidance through Chakotay's lips. Just to make sure no one got hurt. To make sure that her own crew stopped them eventually.

Everyone should get home. Everyone except her and Chakotay.

That is the plan, and that is the part that will need the work. The balance of understanding Chakotay, of getting him to the point where she is now.

In the Rebellion, whose side will Chakotay take? He is in love with her, she knows that, but he still believes passionately in his cause. He has served Starfleet only because he is serving under her.

Then again, he doesn't know about the baby yet. That is going to be powerful for him. He is going to be a father. Revealing that will be the key, she is sure of it. It is part of the reason why she hasn't told him yet.

She looks down at her hands that are Chakotay's hands, the holographic projection of those hands that love her night after night. She is careful not to move too much. Conscious that she can't possibly be a perfect Chakotay.

Then, two of them come to sit with her, two crewmen. One is Suder. She's heard how dangerous he is. The other is Ayala. He surprises her. She'd thought he was getting on all right as a member of her crew.

They both have drinks, and look about, to make sure no one is listening. They don't need to worry. The holodeck is pretty deserted tonight.

"Are you ready?" she asks them. Chakotay's voice.

"Wednesday," says Suder.

Her heart beats a little harder. It's Monday right now.

"Wednesday morning, as the shift changes. We lock quarters in two waves. Those coming on followed by those coming off."

It's a sensible plan. The very one she would have suggested herself. She is surprised they have the security codes to do that though. She supposes Mr. Rollins isn't doing his job so well.

"Keep the violence to a minimum," she warns them, softly. The way Chakotay would. "Remember, most of the Starfleet crew have no idea. They've been good to us."

"Yes," agrees Ayala. "Except Janeway."

Her breath shudders slightly. "Except Janeway," she echoes.

This is a part of it. A big part of it. She has to be strong, think of her child. Think of Chakotay, of flying away from all of this when it's over. She has to think of him in that Cardassian prison. Not of herself, face down and ripped to pieces inside and out.

"Break Janeway and you break her crew," she says. "Do it as publicly as you can."

Ayala nods, looking a little sick.

Suder nods as well, not showing any emotion at all.

"Wednesday," she says again, and they get up to leave her. Nothing lasts too long.

They nod and leave. Everything is set. She has no choice but to just get through it now. To pray that she can get through it.


12. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He is working on a report, and she's not there. Too busy tonight, something she hasn't said for weeks. Not that he thinks she's lying, pulling away. Just that he misses her.

It's going to seem strange going to bed without her tonight.

Not to mention that his body's gotten used to the regular sex at this time. He's got the mother of all erections that just doesn't want to go away.

It's taking his mind off his work.

It's making him think about her. For the seventieth time that evening, he pulls her personnel file up on his station. Looks at the photo, the professional face with just a hint of the smile that he's fallen in love with.

He touches the picture with a gentle fingertip, wanting her with him. Thinking about her all those decks above him, working as well. Sitting at her desk, looking at her PADDs, that small crease of concentration between her brows.

Thinking about being there, about turning her chair around to face him as he comes to her on his knees. Pressing his face between her thighs and losing himself.

Stupid thought. Now his cock is throbbing, so hard it hurts. His hand cups it almost unconsciously, rubbing, squeezing. He knows he'll have to go to the bathroom and relieve himself before continuing.

Before he goes, he downloads her picture onto a PADD and takes it with him.


13. Kathryn Says Goodbye

It's 10pm, and Kathryn is writing letters. One to Starfleet, explaining her actions. Exonerating Chakotay and to a degree, the Maquis.

Then personal letters. One to her mother, to which she attaches a picture of the baby. Tells her all about her love for Chakotay, her fears for their future if they ever returned to Earth. Apologies.

Apologies to Mark as well, and words of love. She is sorry that she wasn't faithful, that she doesn't want to come back and marry him. She begs him to look after her dog.

More letters, to her sister, to Admiral Paris, to Boothby, at the Academy. She wants everyone to understand.

By the time she's finished, she feels drained. Imagining these letters being read by people who seem like little more than fantasy after a year away.

She runs herself a bath and sits chin-deep and sobs.


14. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He watches her in the meeting, trying not to watch her obviously. Worried that Cavit knows.

He watches as she walks around the briefing room, from seat to seat, hands stroking over the headrests of each. She looks deep in thought today, even though this is only an update on their progress on the Array.

Things are going well. B'Elanna is ahead of schedule.

She's also looking tense today, he thinks. Maybe she's not sleeping either. Her eyes keep meeting his, intensely.

He wonders if she knows, if she's noticed the way he just can't help looking at Kathryn's bottom when she leans over the table to pick up her reports. It must be obvious. He's virtually slobbering.

The briefing finishes, and everyone gets up to leave. He hangs back, something she's told him not to do.

"Was there something else, Commander?" she asks him. She rarely calls him that, even on duty.

He fiddles with the material on his cuff. "Lunch?" he asks her.

She frowns, then smiles at him. "I can't," she says.

"Oh," he responds. "Okay."

"Dinner tonight though," she tells him. "My quarters."

"Your cooking?" he grins.

"My cooking," she confirms.

"I'll risk it."

He smiles at her and kisses her before she leaves, right in the briefing room, just as she'd told him never to do.

The thought of that will keep him happy for a few hours.


15. Kathryn Hears The Bell

It's 11am, and she's been in the Ready Room bathroom for an hour. She vomited once, and now she can't stop shaking.

She's terrified. Terrified about tomorrow, praying they don't hurt the baby. Praying that Chakotay can stop them from killing her. That he'll leave with her, that he won't figure out what she's done.

Tonight she has to tell him that she's pregnant. Dress up for him, cook for him, make love to him. Give him a night that he'll never forget, set it all up to be shattered tomorrow.

This is horrible. It's madness. She isn't sure she can go through with it.

She keeps telling herself she can still stop it.

Of course she can. She can go to Rollins, name names, have the Maquis confined to quarters. The evidence is there.

But then, the evidence points to Chakotay. When they return he is doubly likely to end up in a Cardassian jail, wondering why she betrayed him. They are back at square one. Worse than square one.

She can do this. She has to do this. She just has to find her strength. She keeps telling herself that in twenty four hours, it will all be over.

This time tomorrow, she can start the next part of her life.

She gets up and redoes her hair in the mirror over the sink with trembling hands. Her face is white like a doll and her eyes are not her. They are not even remotely like her.


16. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He is walking through the corridors of Voyager, on his way to Kathryn's for dinner. Voyager feels different somehow tonight, like there's a little more electricity everywhere.

Perhaps it's just him. Twenty four hours without sex messes with his equilibrium these days. Perhaps he's just feeling charged because he's looking forward to the night ahead.

Jonas passes him, and nods. So does Kelsey, and then Raines. Holding his gaze. He nods back, though he isn't sure why. Carey passes him without looking up.

B'Elanna stops him. Hand on his arm with the nails digging slightly. "Where are you going?" she asks.

"The Captain wants to see me," he says smoothly. It's not even a lie.

B'Elanna laughs slightly, nervously. "Be careful," she says, her voice a dark warning.

His breath catches. He was right. She does know. "It's not like that," he assures her. Wanting her to trust him still.

She looks at him, eyes narrowing. Then she nods. Uncurls her fingers from his arm. "All right," she says. "See you in the morning." She holds his gaze, steady. Intense, like this morning.

"Of course," he says, trying to keep his voice as light as possible.

He walks through the next few sections unmolested, and arrives at the Captain's quarters.


17. Kathryn Shoots The Moon

It's 8pm, and she is in the bedroom when the door chime sounds. She is ready for him, with a glass of whiskey in her stomach, dressed in coffee coloured silk.

The dress barely fits. She's had to leave off her bra. She's pinned her hair up high as well, but left parts of it tumbling. Ringlets, rich and soft and red. She looks divine.

She has to make this perfect. He has to remember this night for the rest of his life.

She flies around the room, lighting the tapers by the bed. Dimming the lights.

"Come in!" she calls to the door, standing back so that anyone passing in the corridor won't see she's dressed this way for him.

Chakotay comes in. He starts to say something, then sees her. Stands there, mouth open.

"Hi," she says, breathless.

His eyes stare straight at her breasts. Straight at her nipples, erect under the silk. She doesn't think he is breathing.

"Hungry?" she asks, a little cheekily.

He nods, not looking up for even a second. "Oh yeah," he moans.

He comes straight to her, wrapping his arms over her, catching her mouth with his, twice. Then again, hands sinking into her hair. Stealing her breath. So quick.

Moving swiftly. Nuzzling her neck with soft lips. One hand clutching at his prize, her breast, through the silken dress, pawing and squeezing. Dragging at the nipple. Thumbing it. Obsession.

She is squirming with pleasure, giggling in his arms. Letting herself be led by him towards the bedroom, where he sees the tapers and the lowered lights. Where her bedroom looks like a room made especially for lovemaking.

His cock is hard against her belly, grinding.

"Wait," she puffs, pushing him away. "Wait, not yet."

"Not yet?" he gulps. "You're kidding me."

"No, this ... this is supposed to be for later," she says. "After ..."

"After?" That's got his attention. He takes half a step back.

She moves away from him, looks at the floor. Looks back at him, nervous and shy. "I've got something to tell you," she whispers.

He smiles, but it's scared. "What?" he asks.

All of a sudden, she doesn't know how to say it. She's been planning this moment for weeks, and now the words just aren't coming.

"Kathryn, what is it?" he asks, and takes hold of her hand. If anything, he looks a little fearful.

"I don't know how it happened," she begins, in rather a rush. "It was an accident."

Now he looks VERY worried.

"But I'm happy," she continues. "And I think you'll be happy. At least, I hope you will, but ... it's a big thing and ... there's so much to face, but ..."

Understanding on his face, a realisation.

"But you're pregnant," he says. "Aren't you."

A pause. Looking at her, need on his face. She needs him too. Needs this so much. Needs not to think about tomorrow.

"Yes," she tells him, looking deep into his eyes.

"Oh, Kathryn," he gasps. "Really?"

"Eight weeks. Almost nine."

"Oh, Kathryn ...." He's smiling, reaching for her hands and taking them in his big, warm ones. "Oh my God ..." he's grinning, holding her, pulling her close. Letting her know he's happy too.

"I've wanted to tell you, but ..."

"No wonder you've been so preoccupied."

"Yes," she says, gripping his hand. "I didn't know how ...."

"It's okay. It's better than okay, isn't it. It's wonderful."

"It's a miracle!" she laughs, relieved.

"How did it happen?" he asks, shaking his head in amazement. "I mean, I ... I know we both ...."

"I don't know. It was an accident, something must have gone wrong."

He's nodding, not really listening, not really bothered. Rapt at the thought of their child growing inside her. "You been to sickbay?"

She shakes her head. "No," she tells him.

"Kathryn!" he complains.

"Not yet," she says with a squeeze of his fingers. "I wanted to tell you first."

He smiles, goofy, hopeless.

"Besides, the baby's fine. I've been scanning him myself."

"A boy?" he whispers.

She nods.

"I can't believe it," he says softly.

"No," she says. "Neither can I."

He looks at her, kisses her, his lips and breath warm. Holds her face. "I love you," he tells her. So earnestly. So wanting to reassure her. To tell her that he'll be with her, support her. Stay by her side.

She reaches out to him, and he takes her hand, his palm against her palm. Fingers threading through hers. Thumb stroking her slowly. Eyes so soft. So full of love.

She can't help it then, a tear rolls down her face, fat and heavy. Crying for everything she's going to give him, everything she's losing. But mostly, she's crying for the things she'll have to destroy to do it.


18. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He is holding her, and she is so beautiful. Blue eyes glittering in the light of the tapers, misty with emotion. Tears. The slight start of pain as he bites her neck, nibbles her skin.

Buried in her, smelling her. Naked against him, small under his hands. He's lost, not believing this is happening.

A child ... a child. Kathryn's son. He thanks his spirits, offers his soul in gratitude as he presses between the lips of her sex and thrusts deep.

This is from the spirits. This is a sign, perfect, that everything will be all right.

Kathryn's breathing harsh against him, sobbing almost. This is good for her. So good. She's clinging to him as he starts to rock, slender legs wrapping over him, eyes locked with his.

He loves this woman, loves her so much. He's known it since the moment he met her. Over and over her face appeared to him in his vision quests and his dreams, and he knew that in some way, she was to be important to him.

He holds her and watches her come, moaning softly through her tears. She's so emotional tonight. He lets go and comes with her, kissing her fiercely and shuddering as his seed leaves his body.

Thinking of her baby, of his baby. His son.

Thinking of Kathryn's son, bright in his eyes.


19. Kathryn's Sunrise

It's 6am, and she is dressing with a dry mouth and a sick stomach. Morning sickness.

Chakotay is sprawled across her sheets, naked as the day he was born, dreaming about something. He is cradling a pillow in the space where she once lay.

All night, he cupped her belly, laid his hands across it, kissed it and spoke to their child inside her. He's held her and protected her, spoken about how happy he is, how much he loves her. How much he will love their son. All night, though, he never mentioned the future. Not once has he considered what will happen when they get home.

It's annoyed her a little, if she's honest. Can he really be so blind?

More likely, she thinks, he imagines that she feels the same way he does. That she doesn't care about the scorn and suspicions of her friends and family. That she is willing to give up her career and take desk jobs in unimportant fields, that she will sacrifice all that she has worked for and be happy watching lesser Captains take the jobs she really wants.

She thinks that really, Chakotay doesn't know her very well. He doesn't understand that Kathryn Janeway is not a woman who is happy stepping back.

She sits watching him, taking a mental photograph of his sleeping face. She might need a place to run to later, if it's bad.

Then she taps into the computer, and isolates her door lock from the rest of the security system. That way, later, Chakotay can leave the room in time to save her.

God she hopes this works out right.

She leaves the room, jaw set, walks to the turbolift to go to the bridge. She's a little early, but she wants to get there in plenty of time.

She relieves Chapman from the night shift, and takes her seat, waiting for her fate. Her palms are sweaty but she hopes no one sees how nervous she is. She hopes no one suspects.

She knows no one will.

Her back is straight. Her hands are clenched. Her love is strong. She can do this.

She glances at the chronometer on her readout, and sees it's time for shift change. Already quarters are on lockdown. That's half her crew. The rest, she hopes, will just be smart. The Maquis can't win. She's already implemented a security virus that will cut the Maquis out of the computer system in twenty-four hours.

They can be recaptured. The ship will be Starfleet, and Cavit can take the ship home. Just the way it was meant to be.

She can be at Chakotay's side, in Chakotay's arms, systems and systems away.

Yes, everything's going to be okay.

Behind her, at the operations station, at the tactical station, Roark and Baum are already getting to their feet. She can feel their phasers on her back.

She can feel her destiny sliding into place.


20. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He wakes up to warm sheets, lights half up. Naked and happy. Mind half in a happy dream still.

All around him the tapers are burned to the bottom, long since out. Wine glasses from their late night meal on the bedside table, half full. Kathryn's exquisite coffee-coloured dress on the floor by the bed. Her exquisite scarlet-coloured panties are in it.

She isn't here. He looks at the chronometer and wonders why the alarm didn't wake him. He's a little late up.

He wonders why Kathryn didn't wake him either.

He wanders around her quarters naked, sees her coffee cup. A couple of hairpins.

There's a note from her, handwritten on a piece of paper. On the table. Next to it, a full-bloomed tea rose.

Meet me for a late breakfast

It says.

Mess Hall, 10.00

Then she's signed it.

Kathryn X

He's surprised she doesn't mind being so public. Perhaps she's going to tell the crew about their relationship before they go home. He doesn't know if that's a good idea. He's still not sure how the Maquis will take it.

But this is Kathryn. She's the Captain.

He trusts she'll do the right thing. He knows she will.


21. Kathryn Feels The Heat

She doesn't know the time. She's on her knees on the bridge and she can only see from one eye.

It hurts like hell. Maybe she acted the outrage a little bit too well; she wasn't counting on getting Baum's fist in her face. He really is a violent little thug, she thinks.

"What are you waiting for?" she spits at him. "Why don't you kill us?"

Lieutenant Comaj, kneeling right beside her, starts.

"We're waiting for Chakotay," Baum tells her. "He wants to make an example of you."

She snorts. "Chakotay?!" she laughs.

"Yes," he says. "We've got orders."

Just then, Ayala comes out of the turbolift. He's already out of uniform, dressed in his Maquis leathers. Holding a phaser rifle.

"Sir," says Baum, snapping to attention.

That's got to piss him off, Kathryn thinks. In her Starfleet crew, Baum outranked Ayala. She wonders how he'll get used to going back.

"Janeway secure?" Ayala asks. Like she's a piece of equipment. A resource. An area.

"Yes sir," Baum smirks.

"Good. We're moving her to the mess hall. Aramaki's setting up the link."

"What link?" she demands of them. Even though she already knows. Even though she gave them the specs herself.

Ayala ignores her. She gets the feeling that he's more than a little uncomfortable with this. This side of the Maquis does not come easily to him.

Instead, he pulls her to her feet. Leads her to the turbolift by her arm. She complies, trying to think what she would be thinking if this were real. Would she try to fight him, break away?

No, more likely she's be compliant, looking for the diplomatic solution. Looking for the answer to present itself. Fighting an armed man like this would be suicide.

"I want to see Chakotay," she says to him once the turbolift is moving.

He shakes his head. He doesn't want to talk to her.

"Where is Chakotay?" she asks him. "Is he behind this?"

Again he doesn't speak.

She's puzzled for a moment, then she realises. He's the one. He's been chosen. He can't allow himself to talk to her at all.


22. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He toys with getting in her bathtub, but he doesn't want to without her. This is Kathryn's sanctuary, and he's not sure how she'd feel about him indulging in her most sacred luxury while she was hard at work.

Instead, he takes a sonic shower. He sings to himself with his eyes closed, feeling the waves remove last night's sweat and sex. His muscles feel tired and sore and are massaged.

He dresses in the uniform that he keeps at Kathryn's over night, and replicates a cup of tea.

He relaxes on her sofa, and starts to read one of her books. It was left on the shelf, apart from all the others.

It's interesting. He's never read Dante's Inferno before.


23. Kathryn Takes It Like A Man

She can see herself on the screen. She looks bad. Her eye is bloodshot and her hair's a mess. She's trembling too. Sick with fear.

If only she didn't know what was coming.

She hopes Chakotay can't see her. She hopes he's still asleep. She hopes it won't wake him up.

Crazy thoughts, she knows. She needs him to see this, this is part of the plan. He needs to be coming here, right now, to save her. She hopes against hope that he can.

"Tell them what you did!" Suder is spitting at her again. His eyes are black pinpricks.

His lip is trembling too. He smells sweaty, like excitement. She prays the Maquis can hold him back as well. He scares her. He's more than just a petty thug.

"I did my duty!" she says again. He slaps her. Hard, so her head rings. She cuts the inside of her mouth on her tooth. She tastes blood.

"What did you expect?" she asks him when she's got her hearing back. "Nothing's changed back at home!"

"We expected loyalty," Suder hisses. "Just as you expected from us."

She doesn't have any answer for that. "I'm a Starfleet Captain," she says, holding the words up like a shield. "I do as I'm ordered."

"Then that is your misfortune," he whispers. So close to her ear. For an insane moment, she thinks he is going to bite her.

Instead she is pulled backwards by her bun. Seeing her image cry out. Hearing herself. Ayala has her. Doing his duty as well.

He knocks the wind out of her as he throws her over one of the tables. On her back. She tries to get up and he pushes her down. Backhands her with a crack.

She prays for the baby, asking Chakotay's gods to watch over him.

She bites her lip as Ayala strips her, using a knife, just as the Cardassians did. Then she hears herself begging him, just as she did with the Cardassians. Is she speaking now ... is she begging him, or is it the young Kathryn from all those years ago?

Is it Justin in the prison, in her mind? Is it Chakotay in the future? God, she hopes not.

"Please don't ... please don't ... no ... no ..."

He's breaking her in front of her crew. Humiliating her. Or is he? Does he want information? Does he want to destroy her for being one of them? She doesn't know, she doesn't know.

It doesn't matter. This isn't real. She's only pretending, and she can get right through this. It will soon be over.

This is what she wanted.

She's lost in the Delta Quadrant, she's lost in a storm, she's thinking about her baby, running over the fields in Indiana. Finding a planet where they can raise him. She's in the past, the future. She can be in a universe that doesn't even exist.

He's looking at her breasts. Looking at the nipples. Red and sore and bitten from the night before.

"Who's been fucking you, Janeway?" he asks, his ugly big cock jutting out of the leather pants. "Who's been giving it to you good?"

She looks him right in the eyes and tells him.

"Chakotay," she says. She hopes the whole crew can hear. "We've been fucking all year."


24. Chakotay Loves Kathryn

He can hear her voice. He can hear her voice in the bedroom, softly, and he thinks he is dreaming it.

He puts down her book and walks over the floor. There she is, her voice, coming from the wall screen.

He sees her. It's Kathryn. She's got a face full of blood.

He sees Suder. Talking.

He doesn't hear what they're saying.

He sees they're in the mess hall. Ayala is grabbing her.

Kathryn. Kathryn. No.

Pregnant with his child.

Kathryn. He loves Kathryn.

He leaves. He's got to save Kathryn.


25. Kathryn Loves Chakotay

She doesn't know where she is. She's in agony, her face is pushed down into the lights of the tabletop. She's blinded.

Face down. Exactly the same.

Nothing to bite to stop herself whimpering.

She's breaking apart. He's right up inside her, inside the tightness of her bottom. Burning. Jackhammer blows that will rip her apart.

She can't think of it.

She has to think of Chakotay, smiling at her as they made love last night. Showing her how to ride a horse on the holodeck. She has to think of him holding her hand as they walked in that park the other day.

How it will be when they are a family.

She is doing this for him, and like all things, this too will pass.

In the distance, Ayala finishes, floods her with warm seed that feels just like Chakotay's. She hopes that this won't hurt their sex life. She hopes these thoughts won't come to her in the heat and bliss of their own bed.

Someone else takes his place. She feels him slide inside, thick and long. She prays it isn't Suder. She doesn't think it is.

Then she's flying, home again. She sees her mother's face, and sees her holding Kathryn's baby. Everything will be all right, she says.

Chakotay's coming.

Everything will be all right.


26. Chakotay Moves The Ship

Everyone's ignoring him. Everyone's letting him past. They think he's part of it, he realises.

They probably think he's running it.

Something's gone badly wrong.

It's on every screen. Kathryn's body, pale and naked, spread across a table in the Mess Hall. Kathryn's voice, crying out in pain. Trying to be brave.

He knows her.

He gets to a weapons locker, breaks it open. Phaser rifles spill into his hands. He grabs one. Tests it.

He sees Alahan. Dressed like she's on a Maquis ship once again.

She starts to speak.

He kills her. Then Samson, then Gard. Satisfied. Phaser set so high it burns them. Vaporises them.

Kathryn, screaming in pain.

B'Elanna, coming towards him. "You hear what she said?" she asks him.

B'Elanna is dead. Without thinking about it. All he thinks about is the sound of Kathryn, violated. Stopping it. Doesn't want to know what's going on.

He's in the Mess Hall. Sees it. Kills Suder.

They don't have a chance to react. Kathryn, face down, blood on the table. Naked. Bruised.

For a moment he wonders if she's even alive.

Aramaki is slumped over her, dead but still inside her. Twitching a little.

Chakotay shoots the screen. The show is over.


27. Kathryn Loves Chakotay

He's there. She thinks he's there. She's in his arms, held. Hearing the beat of his heart, and it's hard and fast.

They way it sounds when they make love.

"Are you okay?" he's asking her, urgently.

She can't focus, can't organise her sloppy tongue into forming words. She's fainting in his arms. Too much adrenaline. Too much pain. She doesn't think she can stand.

He's holding her up, under his arm.

She loves him. She loves him more. He's done it. She loves him forever.

Now she can.


28. Chakotay Makes A Break

The corridors are a mess. Chaos. No one knows what's going on.

It's easy for him to take her through this. No one's paying a lot of attention. Seems a group of Starfleet have broken free of their confinement. They're tough to kill.

He hasn't killed any more Maquis: the bloodlust's gone. She's with him now. When he's with her, he doesn't feel like killing. He's not angry any more. That's her power.


29. Kathryn Loves Chakotay

She's lying on the shuttle floor, and she's aware they're taking off. In and out of consciousness. She's aware they're going to warp.

She sees Chakotay sitting at the controls. She sees his shape, his movements. How she loves him.

How she knows that she can never tell him what she's done.

But he's killed for her, friends and comrades. He made that choice. This is why she loves him. He made the choice that she has made. To save the baby, save her.

The system disappears behind them. The Array and Voyager all but gone.

They've made it.


30. Chakotay Kisses The Mountaintop

He kisses her as she lays on the biobed, healing. Sleeping. Lays his big hand on her forehead.

It's been three hours since they left Voyager, and his heart is still beating hard in his chest, pumping adrenaline to all his muscles. He feels strange.

As he cares for her, he's going over and over it all in his mind, about the Maquis, about the crew. What was happening. He doesn't understand it. He hasn't got a clue.

Back on the ship, he didn't have time to think. All he saw and heard was Kathryn. All he could think about was saving her, saving the baby.

At least he's been successful. Mother and child are doing fine.

But he doesn't understand. Kathryn's been so good to them, better than anyone thought she would be. Better, if he's honest, than he would have been to her crew if their positions had been reversed.

Could someone have found out about their relationship?

That's a big thought. Just yesterday, he had his suspicions that B'Elanna knew.

B'Elanna. He has a flash of guilt, remembering how he fried her with his phaser. That's not going to be easy to live with.

The sensors bleep and he returns to the conn. Steers the shuttle into a low orbit on a gas giant, a big one that will block them from sensors. He needs time to think.

He'd like time to meditate. Pity he left his medicine bundle behind.

On the biobed, Kathryn groans and stirs. Waking up. He goes to her, brushes hair from her face, takes hold of her hand.

"Chakotay ..." she husks.

"I'm here," he reassures. Strokes her forehead with his thumb.

"What happened?" she whispers. "Your crew. The Maquis ..."

He shakes his head. He hopes she doesn't think he was involved. But then she can't. He killed so many. So many ...

"I don't know," he answers honestly.

Her eyes cloud over. "Ayala, he ... and Aramaki ..."

"I know," he says. "I saw him."

"Did they hurt the baby?"

"No," he squeezes her hand. "No, he's fine. He's strong like his mother."

"Thank God," she whispers. She is clearly close to tears. This is not going to be easy for her, he knows. She's deep in shock. "What are we going to do?" she asks him, her eyes big.

He shakes his head. "I don't know," he admits.

"You think the Maquis have control of Voyager?"

He shrugs. "It's possible," he tells her. "They seemed to be well organised."

"They must have security clearance from somewhere," she muses, shaking her head. She tries to sit up then, and moans in pain.

"Don't," he says, laying her firmly back down. "You have to rest."

"No," she insists, fighting him. "They have my ship!"

"I know."

"They have our only way of getting home!"

He shakes his head, sadly. "I know that too."

"Then we should be thinking! Thinking of a way we can infiltrate them. Get back on board, take everything back!"

"Kathryn, I can't go back," he tells her, the truth of it sitting hard in his heart.

"What?" she gasps. "What do you mean?!"

"I killed them. I killed so many Maquis. My friends, people I would have trusted with my life."

"So?" she says. "They were criminals, mutineers! Rapists."

"Kathryn, I killed B'Elanna. B'Elanna, for God's sake!"

"She was a part of it. When the chips were down, she chose the Maquis."

"So did I," he tells her, his voice chilling even to him. "I didn't kill them because I was siding with Starfleet. I did it because I was saving you and our baby."

"That's a good thing," she argues.

"I know," he says, taking her hand again for emphasis. "But now ... now I am not Starfleet, and now I am not Maquis, either. I have no place on Voyager, and I have nowhere to go but the path I chose."

She looks at him long and hard, her blue, blue eyes searching his for the answer.

Finally, she reaches it. "With me?" she asks softly.

He nods, puts a hand on her belly. "With both of you," he tells her.

She sighs, reaching out a hand to place on his face. "What are we going to do?" she asks him.

"Again, he gives her the only answer he can. "I don't know," he says.


31. Kathryn Loves Chakotay

It's 2am, and he is lying curled asleep behind her, spooning with her like he always does in the dead of night. He is exhausted, sleeping deeply.

He doesn't know the answers yet. They are still orbiting the gas giant, trying to figure things out. Trying to get Kathryn well again.

She is well. She's never felt better, freer, more alive. She could battle the universe right now.

With him by her side.

She shifts on the bed, turning over to wrap him tight in her arms. Placing a kiss on his tattoo. He snuggles her close and runs his sleepy lips across her brow.

She feels safe. Loved. In control. Everything will be all right.

Slowly, she falls back asleep, and she dreams of Indiana.


THE END


Please get in contact with me

Please sample a little more J/C

Please sample the Main Index